Life is funny

It's been almost two years since I've blogged...that's pretty bad.

I hope this isn't too serious of a posting. I'm not trying to bring anyone down, I just have a lot to get off my chest.

Anyway, I recently had a health scare and my life has changed up a little bit. I've decided not to go back to school for the rest of this semester. I actually have to be medically released to get back in. They told me it should be a month, but that's like forever when papers and mid-terms have passed you by (I am definitely not trying to do mid-terms and finals at the same time). And seeing as I really need a break from life in general, I figure school is not going anywhere, and I can't be kicked out of the program (hopefully). I really need some friggin' down time and I'm takin' it!

The thing is I'm basically living off student loans and I am well aware that we are in a recession. I am determined to find a job regardless--a job that I actually like. I'm sick of working part-time, not adding anything but how to handle jerk skills to resume, waste of time gigs. This time I'm going to find something worthwhile that will hopefully pique my interest--intellectually at least.

It's only been 1 wk and I feel like a bum, like I'm going to be doing absolutely nothing for the next 7 months just waiting for the fall semester to start. I really need to find a way to make this time, w/o a job and w/o classes worthwhile. I am hoping that I will get into some things creatively that I don't typically have time for. I am so tempted to use the sl money for things that I know people would think is stupid, like a video camera. I don't know who's going to be crazy enough to loan me one, but I might be able to make something like that happen.

My instinct is to try and make my dreams happen. Or at least get a running start on them. So when school starts back up I will have actually spent some time with no distractions working on them. But then, I start to thinking about my bills, house bills, and all the extra crap that pops up when you least expect it (like the ER bill that's getting ready to whoop my behind, no insurance=problems). So then I just think, "you gotta be practical, you can't cause your family any extra stress".

When the last thing I want to be is practical. That don't even sound right to me in this moment (yes, the ebonics was very necessary to make you feel the point). I feel like I've given up so much to do so many things I don't want to do, but feel obligated to do, or do so out of love. The last thing on this earth I want to do is worry about the future. But it's always there looming, and letting you know it's about to rear its ugly head in just a few months. And the worst thing about all this, I haven't even tried to pray about the situation seriously. I need to be seeking out Jesus' advice and I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm either too proud or too scared to seek it. It's crazy. And all I want is for things to go right, not perfectly, just good at the end of the day. So I guess either by the end of tonight or in the next few days I am really going to be on my knees begging God to show me a sign, for Jesus to show me the way...cause at this point I don't know what to do with myself.

Thanks for listening.
Ya Girl,
JB