I should be studying right now, better yet, I should be praying. But here I am about to expose my inner workings yet again, on a blog no one reads, lol. In my last post, I was hopelessly optimistic. I will tell you that I did fiddle around with my camera and I found out it is pretty cool. I did a little bit of what I consider real writing (poem/s, can't remember if it was one or more), and I did a little bit of fake writing (started another blog, of which I will not name here. for some reason I don't want those readers to read this blog). And there are probably some other things I got into this summer that I'm not remembering right now.
Anywho, that was just to catch you up on what happened with the whole happy-go-lucky JB. Right now, I am feeling hmmmm...melancholy. I think I am still a little shook up from this summer, I gained weight, got depressed and um, uglier. The last time I was depressed to this extent my eyelids darkened and as a happy accident, everyone kept giving me complements. This time around my eyelids stayed the same way (about two shades lighter than when I was last depressed, they never lightened all the way back to their original color), but my face changed. The worse part is that I am now prone to stress breakouts (ugh, wack!). I've still had people tell me I'm pretty, but I wonder if that's just a lie. Trust me, I look different and it ain't in a good way.
In these last seven months I've worried almost every second of the day because I have no job. I will tell you though, the Lord provided. Every time I doubt Jesus, he shows up, just in the nick of time. My bills were paid, I don't owe a cent and I am in no additional financial strain because of this summer. That's how the Lord works.
I have started school again (so I do have student loan money. it ain't the best case scenario, but it ain't the worst either.), my health is much better and I know what to do when I don't feel well. I have something to do and I'm happy about that, but I am still really stressed out and assignments are adding to the constant level of stress I feel. I need a way out of this cage. You see, I am the type of person who freezes first when I am stressed.
Since I've been 22 yrs old (I am now 27) I have been helping out my parents and I have to live at home. As much as I want my own place and don't want to deal with a parent constantly giving me grief, this is my plot in life. But the plot is not the problem. My attitude about the situation is. I want nothing more than to not be here. I want nothing more than to be in a different country,learning about some other culture, for reasons completely pointless. I want nothing more than those almost 5 yrs of my life back so I can transition from my early 20s to late 20s with at least a tad bit extra money and tons more freedom.
I haven't accepted the fact that I'm at home, so it has made me very lackadasical in my duties. I am so embarassed to say the things that I am not doing, that any sane person would do, so I will tell you what I am doing. Nothing. Mostly because I'm stressed to a paralytic state and partially because I am rebelling. I mean, I do mostly all of the basic stuff. I am always there for them, but all the stuff I wish they could do for themselves, I don't do as often as I should. Sad but true. I am trying to change my attitude to do much, much more...I really don't want to keep on this way. I'm here until I don't need to be here anymore. So, I need to get over it, stop thinking everything is about me and move on with life. So how do you do that, how do you just move on and live like tomorrow you'll be fine with everything and life's going to be okay?
All of this: no money, the responsibility of taking care of my parents and assignments from school have led me here...To the point where I have to push and push myself just to read a few pages for an assignment. I mean, my goodness I am almost too stressed to really figure out if this is a good post (I hope you aren't hating what you're reading, this is just how I feel right now). As I said before, I freeze when I'm stressed and the level of tension I'm feeling right now ain't helping me to melt down to a "school is no problem" level. I just thank God I don't have economics again (wiping brow with the back of my hand). I fell asleep in that class with my eyes open. 'Nough said...
Monday, September 14, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
What's Your Destiny?
I am 26 yrs old, about to be 27 and I really have no definite direction in my life. I hate admitting that, but I have not yet chosen a path I really want to take. In one of my last blogs I mentioned that I want to do something creative...the question is, where do I start?
I have so many interests: acting, writing (screenplays, stories and poetry), photography and a few different behind the scene positions in films. I want so badly to be a person who has that one thing that captivates them and they can't think of anything else. But I'm not, my dream is to be multi-facted and do extremely well in at least most of those things. I know it's dreaming big, but there is no other way to dream in my opinion. Why dream at all if you dream small?
For years I have just tried to stick with one thing at a time and it never quite works out. So, what I've decided to do in my time of unemployment (yes, I know that's wack, but it's the truth, I'm unemployed)...I've decided to try my hand at more than one thing at a time. Maybe I'll discover something about myself that I never knew before. Maybe doing more than one thing that I enjoy will help me to find my niche. At least that's what I'm really hoping.
As of now, I am going to be doing some amateur photography, and I'll be improving my poetry and blogging. I used money that I should use for food and bills and bought a camera and some accessories, I still have the internet and writing is always free . So these three things should successfully fill my time while I am figuring out my health condition and while I am looking for a job that will not bore me to death.
It totally sucks that I have to do all this for free, but the best part is that I don't have any deadlines and no boss. You gotta take the bad with the good . And yeah, I hope this makes me become a little more organized. I'll have to be if I want to do all that interests me.
Anyway, I wrote this to air out just a litte more dirt about myself. And to encourage anyone who feels that they don't have a way to do what it is they dream of, to just step out on faith and do it. Sometimes working for free is the best way to get experience and to get people to notice your worth. I will let you know how this all works out. I might even post a poem (but that's a big might).
The inspiration for this posting is from another blog by K. Njapa (I hope her name is right), called The Snap Project. Krista reveals that she is a person who has always had lots of ideas, and is now pursuing her desire to photograph. I totally understand where she is coming from, I have so many ideas and so many of them I think, have the potential to work.
Reading that she has many ideas and the fact that she gave in to at least one of them (while having a husband and children) made me realize that as a single woman I could really be doing things that I feel are worthwhile. Thanks Ms. Njapa for writing such inspirational entries on your blog.
JB
I have so many interests: acting, writing (screenplays, stories and poetry), photography and a few different behind the scene positions in films. I want so badly to be a person who has that one thing that captivates them and they can't think of anything else. But I'm not, my dream is to be multi-facted and do extremely well in at least most of those things. I know it's dreaming big, but there is no other way to dream in my opinion. Why dream at all if you dream small?
For years I have just tried to stick with one thing at a time and it never quite works out. So, what I've decided to do in my time of unemployment (yes, I know that's wack, but it's the truth, I'm unemployed)...I've decided to try my hand at more than one thing at a time. Maybe I'll discover something about myself that I never knew before. Maybe doing more than one thing that I enjoy will help me to find my niche. At least that's what I'm really hoping.
As of now, I am going to be doing some amateur photography, and I'll be improving my poetry and blogging. I used money that I should use for food and bills and bought a camera and some accessories, I still have the internet and writing is always free . So these three things should successfully fill my time while I am figuring out my health condition and while I am looking for a job that will not bore me to death.
It totally sucks that I have to do all this for free, but the best part is that I don't have any deadlines and no boss. You gotta take the bad with the good . And yeah, I hope this makes me become a little more organized. I'll have to be if I want to do all that interests me.
Anyway, I wrote this to air out just a litte more dirt about myself. And to encourage anyone who feels that they don't have a way to do what it is they dream of, to just step out on faith and do it. Sometimes working for free is the best way to get experience and to get people to notice your worth. I will let you know how this all works out. I might even post a poem (but that's a big might).
The inspiration for this posting is from another blog by K. Njapa (I hope her name is right), called The Snap Project. Krista reveals that she is a person who has always had lots of ideas, and is now pursuing her desire to photograph. I totally understand where she is coming from, I have so many ideas and so many of them I think, have the potential to work.
Reading that she has many ideas and the fact that she gave in to at least one of them (while having a husband and children) made me realize that as a single woman I could really be doing things that I feel are worthwhile. Thanks Ms. Njapa for writing such inspirational entries on your blog.
JB
Saturday, February 28, 2009
My Damn-Near Favorite, Hopelessy Retired Jacket
For some this may be an empty sort of posting, shallow in a way. You may think I need to dig deeper, find more meaning in the things around me. To those who view it as such I say, "Get a life". It's not that big a deal, the experience is funny and you may gain some insight on how ridiculous people can be (including yourself). Lighten up. On with the story...
Have you ever been attached to a piece of clothing that you loved but pretty much didn't love you back? Jeans that were well past their prime (tight, raggedy and all around busted)? A shirt that has holes in all the wrong places, but felt oh so good when you wore it around the house on Saturday?
Well, I held on to wearing a blazer-styled, brown-corduroy jacket for about a year too long. And trust me, it sure didn't love me for it. Call me country, ghetto whatever you want, but if you saw it you'd definitely see why I bought it. It was very much fashionable at the time.
I am digressing just a tad. I am not here to defend my style, but I am here to give you an example of why you should get rid of your old crap.
I should start by saying that the day it was retired I attended a townhall meeting for the then Senator Barack Obama. Or you know, whatever they call those things, I was just going nuts because he was coming. It was in the early part of Spring in '08 and I hadn't yet gone shopping for anything nice and new to wear. Side Note: It's 2009 and I'm still hunting for a nice jacket, I'm determined to find one this time.
The jacket, though a nice fit, color and style, is tired honey. And I was dead wrong for wearing it. Its major flaw was that it has holes on the sides of the pockets. The holes came from my laziness in not wanting to carry a purse and a bookbag around campus. I would stuff my car keys, tin of mints, a fully packed id-holder and whatever else would fit into the pockets, and consequently they started to give on the sides. So I thought it wasn't a big deal. I thought people wouldn't possibly judge me for wearing something mildly shabby and Barack Obama was coming to town. How could they ever be so shallow?
Man, some people looked at me like I was homeless. So I don't have tons of money, but goodness, I haven't slid down that far. The thing is I loved that jacket, it was warm. When it didn't have holes it worked in a very casual, yet very stylish sort of way. The kind of jacket you could wear anywhere: school, church, a club (no I'm just kidding, but back in '06 when I first bought it I'm sure it went from club to church within hours).
I ran into an old classmate, with whom I graduated from high school. When he saw the jacket he seemed to think that maybe, just maybe, I was a complete loser. Oh well, at least I wasn't overdressed. He had on a suit and I still haven't figured out why. Maybe when the class reunion rolls around he'll explain that he sat down and talked with Barack. I won't be holding my breath for that.
I ran into an old teacher, who basically didn't teach me much. He told me in the weirdest way he was glad that I was able to join them for the event. Like for me, even a free event was a stretch. Or like he had something to do with putting the event together. Please. C'mon now, give me a break. It's just a couple of holes. It's not like I smelled of trash and alcohol and was begging for change. Although I had just bought a new car, and I could have used the money.
There were other folks who seemed to have their own opinions about the jacket, but screw 'em.
Not only did my jacket prove how shallow some folk are (mind you I saw a lot of people I knew and most couldn't have cared less) it proved that every single time there is something of substance happening, folks are out to be seen (and see what's what with who). That irritates me to the utmost. But I don't want to start whining and making this all about how people need to change. I have my own flaws, I can't point too many fingers.
However, I still won't be keeping up appearances for folks, I'm not that interested. If I have to go somewhere and look a little tore up when someone important is around then that's exactly what I'm going to do. Why miss out on an opportunity because I need to impress foolish people.
What bothers me now is the fact I really do care about what people think sometimes, but I look at the jacket and I realize how far I took it with the thriftiness. Sometimes it just ain't worth it, now I would have been too through had I met a man at the event. But alas I didn't; the whole manhunt/tired-of-worrying-about-it-and-accepting-being-single battle is another story for another time.
Being more aware of wardrobe choices,
JB
Have you ever been attached to a piece of clothing that you loved but pretty much didn't love you back? Jeans that were well past their prime (tight, raggedy and all around busted)? A shirt that has holes in all the wrong places, but felt oh so good when you wore it around the house on Saturday?
Well, I held on to wearing a blazer-styled, brown-corduroy jacket for about a year too long. And trust me, it sure didn't love me for it. Call me country, ghetto whatever you want, but if you saw it you'd definitely see why I bought it. It was very much fashionable at the time.
I am digressing just a tad. I am not here to defend my style, but I am here to give you an example of why you should get rid of your old crap.
I should start by saying that the day it was retired I attended a townhall meeting for the then Senator Barack Obama. Or you know, whatever they call those things, I was just going nuts because he was coming. It was in the early part of Spring in '08 and I hadn't yet gone shopping for anything nice and new to wear. Side Note: It's 2009 and I'm still hunting for a nice jacket, I'm determined to find one this time.
The jacket, though a nice fit, color and style, is tired honey. And I was dead wrong for wearing it. Its major flaw was that it has holes on the sides of the pockets. The holes came from my laziness in not wanting to carry a purse and a bookbag around campus. I would stuff my car keys, tin of mints, a fully packed id-holder and whatever else would fit into the pockets, and consequently they started to give on the sides. So I thought it wasn't a big deal. I thought people wouldn't possibly judge me for wearing something mildly shabby and Barack Obama was coming to town. How could they ever be so shallow?
Man, some people looked at me like I was homeless. So I don't have tons of money, but goodness, I haven't slid down that far. The thing is I loved that jacket, it was warm. When it didn't have holes it worked in a very casual, yet very stylish sort of way. The kind of jacket you could wear anywhere: school, church, a club (no I'm just kidding, but back in '06 when I first bought it I'm sure it went from club to church within hours).
I ran into an old classmate, with whom I graduated from high school. When he saw the jacket he seemed to think that maybe, just maybe, I was a complete loser. Oh well, at least I wasn't overdressed. He had on a suit and I still haven't figured out why. Maybe when the class reunion rolls around he'll explain that he sat down and talked with Barack. I won't be holding my breath for that.
I ran into an old teacher, who basically didn't teach me much. He told me in the weirdest way he was glad that I was able to join them for the event. Like for me, even a free event was a stretch. Or like he had something to do with putting the event together. Please. C'mon now, give me a break. It's just a couple of holes. It's not like I smelled of trash and alcohol and was begging for change. Although I had just bought a new car, and I could have used the money.
There were other folks who seemed to have their own opinions about the jacket, but screw 'em.
Not only did my jacket prove how shallow some folk are (mind you I saw a lot of people I knew and most couldn't have cared less) it proved that every single time there is something of substance happening, folks are out to be seen (and see what's what with who). That irritates me to the utmost. But I don't want to start whining and making this all about how people need to change. I have my own flaws, I can't point too many fingers.
However, I still won't be keeping up appearances for folks, I'm not that interested. If I have to go somewhere and look a little tore up when someone important is around then that's exactly what I'm going to do. Why miss out on an opportunity because I need to impress foolish people.
What bothers me now is the fact I really do care about what people think sometimes, but I look at the jacket and I realize how far I took it with the thriftiness. Sometimes it just ain't worth it, now I would have been too through had I met a man at the event. But alas I didn't; the whole manhunt/tired-of-worrying-about-it-and-accepting-being-single battle is another story for another time.
Being more aware of wardrobe choices,
JB
Monday, February 23, 2009
Life is funny
It's been almost two years since I've blogged...that's pretty bad.
I hope this isn't too serious of a posting. I'm not trying to bring anyone down, I just have a lot to get off my chest.
Anyway, I recently had a health scare and my life has changed up a little bit. I've decided not to go back to school for the rest of this semester. I actually have to be medically released to get back in. They told me it should be a month, but that's like forever when papers and mid-terms have passed you by (I am definitely not trying to do mid-terms and finals at the same time). And seeing as I really need a break from life in general, I figure school is not going anywhere, and I can't be kicked out of the program (hopefully). I really need some friggin' down time and I'm takin' it!
The thing is I'm basically living off student loans and I am well aware that we are in a recession. I am determined to find a job regardless--a job that I actually like. I'm sick of working part-time, not adding anything but how to handle jerk skills to resume, waste of time gigs. This time I'm going to find something worthwhile that will hopefully pique my interest--intellectually at least.
It's only been 1 wk and I feel like a bum, like I'm going to be doing absolutely nothing for the next 7 months just waiting for the fall semester to start. I really need to find a way to make this time, w/o a job and w/o classes worthwhile. I am hoping that I will get into some things creatively that I don't typically have time for. I am so tempted to use the sl money for things that I know people would think is stupid, like a video camera. I don't know who's going to be crazy enough to loan me one, but I might be able to make something like that happen.
My instinct is to try and make my dreams happen. Or at least get a running start on them. So when school starts back up I will have actually spent some time with no distractions working on them. But then, I start to thinking about my bills, house bills, and all the extra crap that pops up when you least expect it (like the ER bill that's getting ready to whoop my behind, no insurance=problems). So then I just think, "you gotta be practical, you can't cause your family any extra stress".
When the last thing I want to be is practical. That don't even sound right to me in this moment (yes, the ebonics was very necessary to make you feel the point). I feel like I've given up so much to do so many things I don't want to do, but feel obligated to do, or do so out of love. The last thing on this earth I want to do is worry about the future. But it's always there looming, and letting you know it's about to rear its ugly head in just a few months. And the worst thing about all this, I haven't even tried to pray about the situation seriously. I need to be seeking out Jesus' advice and I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm either too proud or too scared to seek it. It's crazy. And all I want is for things to go right, not perfectly, just good at the end of the day. So I guess either by the end of tonight or in the next few days I am really going to be on my knees begging God to show me a sign, for Jesus to show me the way...cause at this point I don't know what to do with myself.
Thanks for listening.
Ya Girl,
JB
I hope this isn't too serious of a posting. I'm not trying to bring anyone down, I just have a lot to get off my chest.
Anyway, I recently had a health scare and my life has changed up a little bit. I've decided not to go back to school for the rest of this semester. I actually have to be medically released to get back in. They told me it should be a month, but that's like forever when papers and mid-terms have passed you by (I am definitely not trying to do mid-terms and finals at the same time). And seeing as I really need a break from life in general, I figure school is not going anywhere, and I can't be kicked out of the program (hopefully). I really need some friggin' down time and I'm takin' it!
The thing is I'm basically living off student loans and I am well aware that we are in a recession. I am determined to find a job regardless--a job that I actually like. I'm sick of working part-time, not adding anything but how to handle jerk skills to resume, waste of time gigs. This time I'm going to find something worthwhile that will hopefully pique my interest--intellectually at least.
It's only been 1 wk and I feel like a bum, like I'm going to be doing absolutely nothing for the next 7 months just waiting for the fall semester to start. I really need to find a way to make this time, w/o a job and w/o classes worthwhile. I am hoping that I will get into some things creatively that I don't typically have time for. I am so tempted to use the sl money for things that I know people would think is stupid, like a video camera. I don't know who's going to be crazy enough to loan me one, but I might be able to make something like that happen.
My instinct is to try and make my dreams happen. Or at least get a running start on them. So when school starts back up I will have actually spent some time with no distractions working on them. But then, I start to thinking about my bills, house bills, and all the extra crap that pops up when you least expect it (like the ER bill that's getting ready to whoop my behind, no insurance=problems). So then I just think, "you gotta be practical, you can't cause your family any extra stress".
When the last thing I want to be is practical. That don't even sound right to me in this moment (yes, the ebonics was very necessary to make you feel the point). I feel like I've given up so much to do so many things I don't want to do, but feel obligated to do, or do so out of love. The last thing on this earth I want to do is worry about the future. But it's always there looming, and letting you know it's about to rear its ugly head in just a few months. And the worst thing about all this, I haven't even tried to pray about the situation seriously. I need to be seeking out Jesus' advice and I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm either too proud or too scared to seek it. It's crazy. And all I want is for things to go right, not perfectly, just good at the end of the day. So I guess either by the end of tonight or in the next few days I am really going to be on my knees begging God to show me a sign, for Jesus to show me the way...cause at this point I don't know what to do with myself.
Thanks for listening.
Ya Girl,
JB
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