I Shouldn't Even Be Blogging...

I should be studying right now, better yet, I should be praying. But here I am about to expose my inner workings yet again, on a blog no one reads, lol. In my last post, I was hopelessly optimistic. I will tell you that I did fiddle around with my camera and I found out it is pretty cool. I did a little bit of what I consider real writing (poem/s, can't remember if it was one or more), and I did a little bit of fake writing (started another blog, of which I will not name here. for some reason I don't want those readers to read this blog). And there are probably some other things I got into this summer that I'm not remembering right now.

Anywho, that was just to catch you up on what happened with the whole happy-go-lucky JB. Right now, I am feeling hmmmm...melancholy. I think I am still a little shook up from this summer, I gained weight, got depressed and um, uglier. The last time I was depressed to this extent my eyelids darkened and as a happy accident, everyone kept giving me complements. This time around my eyelids stayed the same way (about two shades lighter than when I was last depressed, they never lightened all the way back to their original color), but my face changed. The worse part is that I am now prone to stress breakouts (ugh, wack!). I've still had people tell me I'm pretty, but I wonder if that's just a lie. Trust me, I look different and it ain't in a good way.

In these last seven months I've worried almost every second of the day because I have no job. I will tell you though, the Lord provided. Every time I doubt Jesus, he shows up, just in the nick of time. My bills were paid, I don't owe a cent and I am in no additional financial strain because of this summer. That's how the Lord works.

I have started school again (so I do have student loan money. it ain't the best case scenario, but it ain't the worst either.), my health is much better and I know what to do when I don't feel well. I have something to do and I'm happy about that, but I am still really stressed out and assignments are adding to the constant level of stress I feel. I need a way out of this cage. You see, I am the type of person who freezes first when I am stressed.

Since I've been 22 yrs old (I am now 27) I have been helping out my parents and I have to live at home. As much as I want my own place and don't want to deal with a parent constantly giving me grief, this is my plot in life. But the plot is not the problem. My attitude about the situation is. I want nothing more than to not be here. I want nothing more than to be in a different country,learning about some other culture, for reasons completely pointless. I want nothing more than those almost 5 yrs of my life back so I can transition from my early 20s to late 20s with at least a tad bit extra money and tons more freedom.

I haven't accepted the fact that I'm at home, so it has made me very lackadasical in my duties. I am so embarassed to say the things that I am not doing, that any sane person would do, so I will tell you what I am doing. Nothing. Mostly because I'm stressed to a paralytic state and partially because I am rebelling. I mean, I do mostly all of the basic stuff. I am always there for them, but all the stuff I wish they could do for themselves, I don't do as often as I should. Sad but true. I am trying to change my attitude to do much, much more...I really don't want to keep on this way. I'm here until I don't need to be here anymore. So, I need to get over it, stop thinking everything is about me and move on with life. So how do you do that, how do you just move on and live like tomorrow you'll be fine with everything and life's going to be okay?

All of this: no money, the responsibility of taking care of my parents and assignments from school have led me here...To the point where I have to push and push myself just to read a few pages for an assignment. I mean, my goodness I am almost too stressed to really figure out if this is a good post (I hope you aren't hating what you're reading, this is just how I feel right now). As I said before, I freeze when I'm stressed and the level of tension I'm feeling right now ain't helping me to melt down to a "school is no problem" level. I just thank God I don't have economics again (wiping brow with the back of my hand). I fell asleep in that class with my eyes open. 'Nough said...